Went to the doctor again today. Had an ultrasound and the doctor said that both babies are of good size for how far along I am. They said that I have a blood clot in my uterus and that is most likely the cause of the bleeding several weeks ago. They said that the clot has not changed since my last visit so it will most likely just dissolve on its own and will cause no harm to myself and the babies. They just told me that I should take it easy and not do any strenuous activities.
The original doctor I go to wasn't in today so I saw his partner and she stated that reducing from two to a singleton is a high risk. I then emailed this information to the IP and she emailed her doctor and he stated that it is only a 2-5% risk. She told me she felt that wasn't high and asked what I thought. I emailed her back telling her that I felt that if I were in her position longing for a child for so long that no matter how big or small the percentage the risk would not be worth it to me. I told her I would feel as if my child was being blessed with having a sibling and I was being blessed with having two children. I told her that I felt like her and her husband were good people and had alot of love to offer to not only one but two children. I then explained that that is my opininon and she asked for it and as stated before this is not my decision this is hers and I would support her decision an oblige by there wishes however it doesn't mean I have to agree with it:) I told her that I am still praying that they will find it in there hearts to change there minds within the next several weeks. I have another ultrasound in two weeks and the progression in growth just since my last appt. two wks. ago was amazing so I'm sure next time it will be even more so and they will really look more like babies. I will of course send that ultrasound to her:) I also contacted my case worker and let her know that I wanted her to let the IP know that they needed to get in touch with the doctor who is going to be performing the procedure so that she can explain the procedure to her. I told her I am the carrier not the parent and that it isn't fair that I am the only one losing sleep at night over this. She needs to know what they are going to be doing to her baby!!
Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to read my blog. It is nice to be able to jot this stuff down and get it off your chest and know that there are people out there praying for a posative outcome with this journey:)

So the IP finally emailed me yesturday. She started by saying how grateful she is to me for making her a mommy...and how in all her years she's never met someone as kind and giving as me. She then put she was sorry for her decision and that was the end of the email. I'm thinking she didn't quite know what to say. It took me some time..some thinking time to get the words together to say to her. I after all have to deal with these people for the next nine months and I do not want it to be awkward and uncomfortable. This is suppost to be a posative experience for myself and for them. I emailed her back thanking her...and proceeded to tell her that when I went to the doctor that day and found out I was carrying twins that I was so exited for her. That she is so lucky that God has blessed her with not only one child but two. I told her that I look at this as a blessing from God and that these things happen for a reason. That she has been very lucky because they only implanted two eggs and both of them took the first time. I told her I was quite shocked when I heard that she wanted to reduce. I thought that she too would look at this as a blessing from God. That she has always wanted a child and now he is blessing her with two. I told her that the decision she is making I will respect because it ultamatly isn't my decision. I told her I of course would go through with the reduction because I had no other option and that I only wish it could be done sooner. I told her that I can only hope and pray that by the time the time comes when the reduction is performed that she will have changed her mind. I told her I wouldn't bring the subject up to her again.
Last week I signed up on this website where they send you a weekly overview of what is happening with the baby that particular week..changes..growth etc. Well I got one today and forwarded it to her telling her how I signed up thinking she would enjoy reading about what's happening with her baby. (I am hoping that her seeing pictures and having the literature on the growth of the baby by the time its 12-14wks..how could she dispose of it..) I hope it works:)
I have yet to recieve a response to either one of my emails which is strange because she usually gets back to me right away. This whole situation is such a bummer...I don't want this to have to be awkward:(

Sickened

I am so discusted right now! I just got off the phone with the Doctor that will have to perform the reduction. She explained the procedure to me stating its very similar to an amnio.. she will take a long thin needle and go in through my abdomen and inject a medication into the sak and apparantly thats that. She can't perform the procedure until I am between 12-14wks. Apparantly because she has to check the neck size of the fetus..I guess if the neck size is thicker/thinner I can't remember which one that there could be possable abnormalities and then she would know which fetus to take. I am so f-ing discusted right now I can hardly function. I was finally at a point yesturday where its like lets just do this get it over with and move on. I don't want to become bitter and have this experience ruined with anger and hatred!! Now I'm just pissed because I have to wait so long..allowing the baby to grow even more..it just makes me sick!! I have another doctors appt. in 2wks in which I will have an ultrasound done and I'm just going to continue to send the pictures to the intended parents in hopes that they will feel bad seeind two babies in the picture and not want to go through with it. I can only hope and pray that they change there mind!!
I realize that this process isn't about me. It never was..I am doing this because I simply want to help a family in need have a child. I am still going to be doing that , but this is apparantly the shitty part that no one likes to think about!! Once again as I've stated before I will take this and learn from it in the case that I ever decide to do this again. I will make sure that certain stipulations are out in the open and on paper!!
I am going to continue to pray for this family that they change there mind..and pray for forgiveness from God for what I have to do...

todays appt..

Today has certainally been and up and down day. It began at 4:30 a.m. when the dogs awoke me to go outside. I went downstairs to let them out and while they were at used the restroom. When I went to the bathroom there was blood. Of course my initial reaction was shock! It was alot of blood...I was devastated..started crying and just saying no..no..over and over again. The thought kept going through my head that I was going to have to contact this couple and tell them that as quickly as I made there dreams come true I ended it. I was so upset..went upstairs and woke my husband up crying to him telling him how I couldn't tell these ppl. I had a miscarriage. That of course is your first assumption when you are pregnant and begin to bleed..especially an excessive amount at one time. The bleeding was not continuous..the flowing had ceased and it continued with just spotting.
Thank God I already had an ultrasound appt. scheduled for today. On my way to LA I contacted the nurse and gave her a heads up on what had occurred that morning. When I arrived the Dr. came in and told me that some mild bleeding/spotting is normal with IVF. When he did the ultrasound everything was in fact fine. In fact there were not just one but two little heartbeats. Wow!! I was so relieved...I thought wow twins..sad for me and my body but great for them right? Yah, that's what I thought until I got home and received a call from one of the directors from the agency. She explained to me that the IP's (intended parents) were in fact happy however they brought to her attention that at the beginning of this process they stated due to them being an older couple they wanted one healthy child. They wanted one child to dedicate there time and energy towards. They originally stated that to them since they are in fact starting off a lot later in life than most and may not have the energy to keep up with two little ones...so long story short they want me to have a reduction. I was so taken back by this. I'm like are you kidding me? Here I was this morning mortified that I had lost there child and then I get the news that they're going to have two and now they want to get rid of one..what???? I looked over my contract and it does in fact state that should I become pregnant with multiples that I would reduce to a singleton. This was obviously an area I overlooked!! I can certainly see if it were triplets because it is a high risk for not only the babies but for me as well..but healthy twins are born all the time. The director explained to me that in the 81/2 yrs. that she has been there that no one has ever gone through a reduction and lost both babies. That they have always been successful with the other child being born healthy. This was a tough one for me..and being that it's in my contract I of course have to do it. I had to really sit back and absorb the day and all that had transpired.
So what it boils down to is I began this journey to help a deserving couple. I do believe this couple is very deserving and constantly tell me how appreciative and grateful they are for what I am doing for them. I have to do the reduction and respect there wishes. I do understand there perspective due to the fact that they are an older couple. (Young at heart and very athletic and in great shape..but def. starting later than most:) )
You see when you are in a situation like this, you have this immense amount of pressure to perform..to fulfill this lifelong dream of someones..this isn't just a dream to see the Oprah..this is a life. I started to view the situation as if it were me..I wouldn't reduce because if I were in that situation I would feel even more blessed to receive two healthy children, but this isn't about me and what I want. This is about me helping them with what they want. I will however..if I ever decided to do this again..I will make sure that it is in my contract that I will not reduce if it is twins because I personally do not agree with it...but ..I have shed quite a few tears today..and I'm sure I will shed some more in the next few days as I'm on bed rest for the next 3days..yay me!!

Sleep..what is that? Ever since I found out I am pregnant I can't sleep. I lay in bed night after night with my eyes wide open...When I do actually close my eyes I have nightmares..nightmares that I am pregnant with triplets..nightmares that I've had a miscarriage:( I am so exited to be doing this..but I think that after getting a posative on the test the pressure is on. I think that because this is something I have never experienced before I feel this sudden pressure. My couple is so overjoyed with exitement that I would hate for something to go wrong and for them to be dissapointed. That would crush me..I always try and stay posative but when I sleep something goes terribly wrong..lol Damn you dreams!! :)
Tomorrow is my monthly support group meeting. Yes I have to go once a month:) This is where you go and sit with other surrogates and discuss where you are in the process..any challenges..etc. Tomorrow is support group meeting/xmas party. This is one meeting that we are aloud to bring our spouses too. This should be interesting, a bunch of men get together and crack jokes about there wives being pregnant with another mans baby..lol Hmmm..Can't wait..lol

How the journey began..

Hello to all,
I am writing this blog because I was advised by some of my friends that I should document this journey that I am partaking in. I first decided to look into being a surrogate when my brother and his wife were having trouble conceiving. I offered to do this for them but they kindly declined still holding out hope for themselves. Seeing what a difficult time they were having opened a new light within me. A light that I had never been aware of before. I always knew how blessed I was to have my children..and they mean the world to me, but the thought had really never crossed my mind about those who have struggled to have children. I never had that struggle so I never thought about it. Once you have someone whom is so close to you have this issue it opens your eyes a bit. When they declined my offer it made me think about how many other people must be out there in the same situation. I wanted to help someone else if I wasn't going to be helping them. So I researched different agencies and spoke with my husband about it. At first he thought the idea of it was quite weird. After explaining to him that I couldn't imagine our lives without our children..and if we were in that situation where we were struggling I would hope that there would be someone out there nice enough to help us in whatever way possible. Once I explained myself he understood and was very supportive. I contacted an agency..filled out my application and was accepted. I had my home inspection, my psychological screening..medical testing and I was good. I am matched with a couple over seas. They are a bit older, but as they stated they are young at heart..very active and have put everyone elses needs and there careers first..letting time pass them bye..It has been almost a year long process but I am pleased to say that I am pregnant. I had my transfer in November and 10days later found out it was a posative test. The family is overjoyed that there dream is becoming a reality. I must state that I am not doing traditional surrogacy..where they use my eggs..no..no...I couldn't do that. I would only do it if they use there goods or donor goods:) Due to the fact that the couple is overseas we communicate via email several times a week. The poor mother is so nervous and exited that she can't sleep. I truly feel blessed to be able to help someone out like this. I believe that the gift of life is the greatest gift that you can give. I will be able to look back on life knowing that I did something amazing to help someone else.
It has been 8 1/2 years since I've had a child and I'm much older now so I'm sure this pregnancy will be very different from others:) I go in on Monday for an ultrasound to see what's going on in here. When I had my bloodwork done my HCG levels were 600..ouch!! I'm thinking there is a high possability that it may be multiples..yikes.. We will see Monday for sure. I have been feeling fine so far. Extremly tired but experiencing no sickness:) My butt is hella sore from all the injections. I take 5medications every day, 2 being injections. Yes, I give myself shots in my ass every night..yay me:) It is all for a good cause so I suck up the uncomfortableness of it and know that the outcome of it is much greater than the pain.